Sex and the Shitty
Tony Soprano: The king of men. He is absolutely the most badass character ever created. Presents himself as the indestructable king of New Jersey but the viewer gets to see the true layers of his character: The Tony who kills, steals and cheats, the Tony who is ravaged by depression, the Tony who is hated by his mother, the Tony who is a deeply loving father and husband, the Tony who has a strange obsession with ducks. His many flaws and sides only serve to make him even more of a cool motherfucker, because he is human.
Says things like “I wipe my ass with your feelings.”
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Twin Peak’s protagonist. Extremely different to Tony, but completely badass in his own way. The ideal mixture of integrity, humour, bravery, intelligence and class. I really love this guy and what happened at the end of Twin Peaks… It killed me. Paid the ultimate price for his own courage and willingness to do good. What an all-round hero.
Says things like “Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.”
Mr. Big: Now let’s look at Sex and the City’s failed attempt at masculine cool. I hate you Mr. Big. Look at that grin. Take a good, long, hard look. It exudes “The ladies can’t resist my stretch limo. My wardrobe is full of suits stitched from golden unicorn hair. I am the king of the fucking universe.” Tony and Dale do not need cash to be cool, they just are. Mr. Big however, is just smarmy and cringey. His charm reeks of desperation. You are not Frank Sinatra, Mr. Big. You’re not even Jude Law. You’re not EVEN Alexander Petrovsky (Russian guy towards the end of Sex and the City). Mr. Big did end up with Carrie Bradshaw though, so justice was served. A lifetime of being forced to proofread her sex columns; a lifetime of answering questions like “Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahnik’s?”; a lifetime of waking up beside what South Park referred to as a “transvestite donkey witch.” Hate that Mr. Big. At least the Russian lad was smart enough to dodge that bullet. Kudos.
G’wan Russian lad.
Anyway, Mr. Big says things like: “I f**king love you alright, you know I do. It’s just a tough thing for me to say, because it always seems to get me in trouble when I say it.”
and
“That’s why you need a diamond… To seal the deal.”
Suave. If anyone talked like this in real life, they would have no friends.
